It is midnight. As usual, my thoughts sometimes are just flowing like that. no matter if i'm in the class, talking with people or anything that i do. i always get this anxiety, thinking how imperfect i am, full of flaws, thus making me so insecure with everyone i know. that's how anxiety could kill ppl. how could you expect me to love others when even me cannot love myself?

damn, so yeah i'm just thinking about what is love?
i went to my friend's room this night, thought they wanted to watch conjuring 1. already watched it but my last paper syndrome just cannot be helped. doing nothing after food science paper this morning, just sleep and then went to azam roaster with my friends. and guess what i ordered for my food? char kuey teow. lol. i should order something which is more western!

ok back to where in my friend's room, when i went there, they were talking about how this one of my friend met her boyfriend etc. yes that love called thingy. it was so sweet honey yeasss but at the same time, i said to myself, why you dont have someone to like? or anything like that? no i'm not saying that having no one to like to is weird, but just why? and i just cannot accept anyone like that. i just dont know what happen to myself. i dont want to break ppl's heart for my own selfishness. that's why i'd rather be single. to be honest, i'm afraid. because of myself. how can i love others when even myself struggled so hard to love my imperfections?

Hi. i dont remember when was the last time i updated my blog. and here i am, in 2018, on 9th january 2018. life is okay, except not any change in me that i can proud of myself. btw, i'm already 20 guys, even though not officially yet. i feel so old already. currently, i'm in my first semester of my degree, but guess, the stress is real. my life is full with quiz,exam, presentations,assignments and etc. i'm bored. i need something fresh to cheer me up, maybe anything or societies that i can join? or sports? ugh.

actually, i feel so bored and so lazy to study. and anxiety attacked me. i miss my high school. i wish i can return to the old time and change everything that i could. the negativity and etc. i miss my old friends even though i know they dont miss me. for me, friendship is so hard to create, cz im not the type that easily attached to someone and then be close to them. even one year does not enough to know me. sometimes i am fake in front of ppl, sometimes i pretend to be kind even though i feel like wanna scold them just like i scold my siblings. yes i'm that fake. i'm far away from perfect.

but srsly, now i belive that high school is the best moment ever, even though once i had a thought like this, 'oh for sure i wouldnt miss my high school again after this. uni life would be fun'. that's how it goes. cz i had my bad memories also back then. maybe that's why i had a thought like that. but, turned out that i was wrong. roarers are forever roarers. idk how my batchmates are doing rn. but i'm sure that they enjoy their life rn and even some of them turn to be so pretty than back then. some of them already furthering their studies in overseas, and yeah everyone changes. then,i keep thinking, what happens to me? does i'm doing the right thing right now? can i be at least a better person? anxiety sucks. and even more the introverted side of me. but i believe things take time. everything will get better soon. inshaAllah.