it's 14th Feb 2020. 2020 okayh. how real is that. it's have been ages since i updated my blog. i dont remember when was the last time. so, how am i doing all these time? erm that was a really hard question. stimes i'm okay, stimes i'm not. but when i'm not, i just pretending to be ok. i dont know if that really shows on my face but i think it is. i'm tired, seriously i'm tired of living this life. currently, i'm in my second sem of third year. i've been complaining before this that i was really worried to enter my third year bcs of fyp things, bcs of my unstable emotions. and now i'm facing it. it's just the first week, and i dont have any passion and spirit to do my fyp things. i'm not lazy, i'm just tired! i dont have heart into this! that's how my inner thoughts said. at one point, it's unbearable and i just cry thinking of it. few of my friends keep saying, you can do this, you can do this. but guess what, i'm not affected at all. i should be like ok, i can do this! but that's not the case. i'm not strong minded person....it seems like i already in a state of complete loss. yea i admit my results are so good, but i dont proud of it at all. idk. idk what is reality anymore. i feel like i'm trapped in bubble. a bubble that is really hard to escape with. i feel depressed. that's it. i can describe it as that way. today, i just slept all day...when i want to sleep, i cant sleep, and when i dont want to sleep, i sleep. that's pretty complicated.

how amazing is that if i could find someone who i can be comfortable with, talk about how i feel. how amazing is that if there's someone out there who can still accept me if i tell them about myself. how amazing is that if there's someone who could make me happy. who i can be comfortable even when we have a silent moment sitting next to each other. whom i'm not awkward at all. how amazing is that if they can encourage me, can motivate me, can make me a better person. how amazing it is if that person exist? my soulmate i guess? that sounds cheesy but hey, we all dream that.

*sigh*
i read tweets from mufti menk. he said that worry changes nothing. leave it to Allah. but i'm just a weak person. it's impossible for me not to be worried. but i try. i keep trying, and fall, again and again. it's a lonely journey. it is hard. really. and it have been so many years, and i keep finding myself in this lonely place. i dont know anymore if things could change, but i have a slight hope that in the future, maybe, maybe things will not be same as now anymore. a miracle could happen.

so that's it. :')