Suffocated

Hello December.

It's the end month of 2018. 

I could not hold this feeling anymore so i decided to just write. everything seems so unclear, hazy. i dont even know how to tell people what does makes me sad. 

27 Nov 2018

It was my first time seeing a counselor. i hesitated for probably millions of time to see one. i know this post is making me pathetic. but yeah judge me if you want. i know there will be at least one people will read this, or maybe more. 

I went out during class and i keep thinking what i need to say to Mdm. After filling up some forms and doing DASS test, (it was my third time) , there goes my session. The thing that i hate the most in this world is when people see me cry. Selagi boleh tahan, i would hold myself. But not when i opening up my feelings to others. My throat feels suffocated, and i just cried non stop at that time. It's really hard for me to talk and cried at the same time. But yeah, Madam Reena is so kind, she looks very soft. idk how long my session will be, but she says probably until my fyp :')

wait, i'm not depressed. for now. maybe it's just a depressed feeling. She said she needs to do more session to figure out whether i have anxiety or depressed or whatsoever. seriously i also don't know. it's kind on and off. everywhere i goes, it just same. empty. 

mdm told me that it's the way i think. it's damn true. the way how we think affects everything. but how i can change my thoughts after probably 20 years of living. it's not that easy. i dont know where to start, i dont know if there'll come a moment where i no longer think about this. 

everyone have bad days, everyone's struggling, and i cant compare mine to others. because there are still a lot of people who have worse than mine. yeah i know that. mine is just a on off feelings. 

next year is my fyp, i'm scared, really. to see my situation now, demotivated and etc, i'm scared if i couldnt make it. 

1 Dec 2018

do you ever like someone. maybe their personality or whatsover. rn, i'm trying my best to remove this feelings....hoping it will fade away, sooner or later. 

Bye. 

pray for me :')